【TED演讲 | 如何成为一个更好的交谈者？】

Celeste Headlee是一个靠交谈吃饭的人，她的工作是电台主持人。在几十年的工作中她学到了许多沟通技巧，也发现居然有那么多人真的很不会聊天。她在与大家分享十条提高谈话质量的方法。满满的干货，非常值得一看..                         

✔ 不要三心二意；专注当下；

✔ 不要好为人师；准备好在谈话中学习；

✔ 使用开放性的问题；who,where,when,hwo,what；

✔ 顺其自然；不要固着在自己的计划和念头上；

✔ 谨慎发言，dont be cheap；

✔ 不要把自己的经历和别人比较,时尚没有一样的经历；

✔ 别重复表达；

✔ 少说废话；别人不关心你要说的细节，而是你是怎样一个人；

✔ 认真倾听；谈话的目的是理解而不是回应；

✔ 简明扼要。

如何成为一个好的交谈者?

我们一定听过很多这方面的建议，例如：要看着对方的眼睛，提前想好可以讨论的有趣话题，注视和点头并且微笑来表明你的专注，重复你刚才听到的，或者做总结等。
                                            ×

本次TED演讲者Celeste Headlee女士认为这些技巧〖完全没用〗，我们可以将它们丢在一边，因为如果你交谈时确实很专心的话，就根本没必要去学习如何表现你很专心的技巧。  

Number one: Don't multitask.

第一条：不要三心二意。

▶And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it.

我不是说单纯放下你的手机、平板电脑、车钥匙，或者随便什么握在手里的东西。我的意思是，处在当下。进入那个情境中去。不要想着你之前和老板的争吵。不要想着你晚饭吃什么。如果你想退出交谈，就退出交谈。但不要身在曹营心在汉。

Number two: Don't pontificate.

第二条：不要好为人师。

▶If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog. Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring. If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and foodstamps and abortion. If they're liberal, they're going to hate big banks andoil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don't want to belike that. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. Again, assume that you have something to learn.

如果你想要表达自己的看法，又不想留下任何机会让人回应、争论、反驳或阐发，写博客去。有个很好的理由来说明我的谈话里为什么不允许有“专家说教”：因为真的很无聊。如果对方是个保守派，那一定讨厌奥巴马、食品券和堕胎。如果对方是个自由派，那一定会讨厌大银行、石油公司和迪克·切尼。完全可以预测的。你肯定不希望那样。你需要在进入每一次交流时都假定自己可以学习到一些东西。著名的治疗师 M.斯科特·派克说过，真正的倾听需要把自己放在一边。有时候，这意味着把你的个人观点放在一边。他说感受到这种接纳，说话的人会变得越来越不脆弱敏感，因而越来越有可能打开自己的内心世界，呈现给倾听者。再强调一遍，假定你需要学习新东西。

▶Bill Nye:"Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't." I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.

比尔·奈伊说：“每一个你将要见到的人都有你不知道的东西。” 我来复述一下：每个人都是某方面的专家。

Number three: Use open-ended questions. 

第三点：使用开放式问题。

▶In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you, "Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't." "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry." Let them describe it. They're the ones that know. Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?" Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.

关于这一点，请参考记者采访的提问方式。以“谁”、“什么”、“何时”、“何地”、 “为什么”或“如何”开始提问。如果你询问一个复杂的问题将会得到一个简单的回答。如果我问你：“你当时恐惧吗？” 你会回应那句话中最有力的词，即“恐惧”，而答案将是 “是的”或者“不是”。 “你当时气愤吗？” “是的，我当时气得很。” 让对方去描述，对方才是了解情境的人。试着这样问对方： “那是什么样子？” “你感觉怎么样？” 因为这样一来，对方可能需要停下来想一想，而你会得到更有意思的回答。

Number four: Go with the flow.

第四点：顺其自然。

▶That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind.We've heard interviews often in which a guestis talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered. That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing.

也就是说，想法会自然流入你的头脑，而你需要将它们表达出来。我们常听到采访中嘉宾说了几分钟, 然后主持人回过来问问题, 这问题好像不知道从何而来或者已经被回答过了。这说明主持人可能两分钟前就没在听，因为他想到了这个非常机智的问题，于是就心心念念想着问这个问题。我们同样也会这么干。

▶We're sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop. And we stop listening. Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You need to let them come and let them go. 

当我们和某人坐在一起交谈时，我们突然想起那次和休·杰克曼在咖啡店的偶遇。然后我们就不再听了。故事和想法总会不断向你涌来，但即便无法阻止，也不要让它们过多地在头脑中逗留。

Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know. 

第五点：如果你不知道，就说你不知道。

▶Now, people on theradio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they're going on the record,and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.

广播节目里的人，尤其在全国公共广播电台（NPR）中的人，非常清楚他们的谈话会被播放出去。所以他们对自己声称专业的地方以及言之凿凿的东西会更加小心。要学着这样做。谨言慎行。谈话应该是负责任的行为。

Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs.

第六条：不要把自己的经历和他人比较。

▶If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work,don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was,and he said, "I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."

如果对方谈论失去了家人，不要就势开始说你失去家人的事情。如果对方在说工作上的困扰，不要告诉他们你多么讨厌你的工作。这不一样的，永远不可能一样。任何经历都是独一无二的。而且，更重要的是，这不是在谈论你的事。你不需要在此刻证明你多么能干，或者你经受了多少痛苦。有人曾问史蒂芬·霍金他的智商是多少，他回答道： “我不知道。拿智商吹牛的人都是屌丝。”

▶Conversations are not a promotional opportunity. 

交谈不是用来推销自己的。

Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself.

第七条：尽量别重复自己的话。

▶It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.Don't do that.

这很咄咄逼人，也很无聊。但我们很容易这样做。尤其是在工作交谈中，或者和孩子的交谈中。我们想声明一个观点，于是换着方式不停地说。别这样。

Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. 

第八条：少说废话。

▶Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names,the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind. They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.

说白了，没人在乎那些年份，名字，日期等等这些你努力试图在脑中回想的种种细节。别人不在乎。他们关注的是你。对方关心你是什么样的人，和你有什么共同点。所以忘掉细节吧,别管它们。

Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one. Listen. 

第九条：这不是最后一条，但是最重要的一条。认真倾听。

▶I can not tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouth is open, you're not learning." And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."

我说不上来到底有多少重要人士都说过倾听可能是最重要的、第一重要的 你可以提升的技能。佛曰——我转述一下， “如果你嘴不停，你就学不到东西。” 卡尔文·柯立芝曾说： “从没有人是因为听太多而被开除的。”

▶Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we'd rather talk. When I'm talking, I'm in control.I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. I can bolster my own identity. But there's another reason: We get distracted. The average person talks at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So our minds are filling in those other275 words. And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation. You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.

为什么我们不愿倾听彼此？首先，我们更喜欢说。我在说话时一切在我的掌控之中。我不用去听任何我不感兴趣的东西。我是焦点。我可以强化自己的认同感。但还有一个原因：我们会受到干扰。人平均每分钟说大约225个单词，但我们每分钟可以听将近500个单词。所以我们的脑子被这另外275个单词占据了。我知道这很耗费精力去真正注意听别人讲。但如果你不这么做，你们就不是在交谈。你们只不过是两个人在同一个地方彼此嚷嚷毫不相关的话。

▶You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully. He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent toreply."

你们必须相互倾听。史蒂芬·柯维对此有精彩的论述。他说：“我们大多数人都不是为了理解而倾听。我们为了回应而听。”

One more rule,number 10, and it's this one: Be brief. 

最后一条，第十条：简明扼要。

▶[A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enough to coverthe subject. -- My Sister]

“好的交谈就像恰到好处的迷你裙；足够短，能够吸引人，又足够长，能够包纳（盖住）主体 ——我妹妹的比喻”

结语

▶All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one: Be interested in other people.

所有这些都浓缩成同一个概念，那就是：对他人产生兴趣。

▶You know, I grew upwith a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home.People would come over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave,my mother would come over to us, and she'd say, "Do you know who that was?She was the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She wona Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer." And I kind of grew upassuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them. And honestly, Ithink it's what makes me a better host. I keep my mouth shut as often as Ipossibly can, I keep my mind open, and I'm always prepared to be amazed, andI'm never disappointed.

我在一个名人外公的身边长大，我家里宾客络绎不绝。访客会前来和我的外祖父母交谈，而那些人离开后，我母亲会过来对我们说： “你们知道那是谁吗？她是美国小姐的亚军。他是萨克拉门托市长。她拿过普利策奖。他是俄罗斯芭蕾舞蹈家。” 我在成长中默认了每个人都有不为人知的精彩。说真的，我想是这一切让我成为了更好的主持人。我尽量少说话，但开放自己的思想，永远准备着大吃一惊，而我从不会感到失望。

▶You do the samething. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly, beprepared to be amazed. 

你们也可以这样。走出门去，和别人交谈，听别人说，以及最重要的，准备好大吃一惊。

Thanks. 

谢谢。

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